Laugh Lines
- "When people blow their noses, they always look into their hankies to see what came out. What do they expect to find?" - Billy Connolly
- "I love to sleep. It's the best of both worlds - you get to be alive...and unconscious." - Rita Rudner
- "The sign said, 'This door to remain closed at all times.' Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that defeat the purpose of a door?" - Danny McCrossan
- "Who invented the brush they leave next to the toilet? That thing hurts!" - Andy Andrews
- "Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter if blind people were given pointy sticks?" - Adam Bloom
- "I've always wanted to give birth...to kittens. It would hurt less, and when you're done, you'd have kittens!" - Betsy Salkind
- "My love life is like a fairy tale. Grimm." - Windy Liebman
- "I realized I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat." - Marcus Brigstocke
- "I wish I cold play Little League now. I'd be way better than before." - Mitch Hedberg
- "I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me it wold defeat the purpose." - George Carlin
- "I joined Gamblers Anonymous. They gave me two-to-one odds I wouldn't make it." - Rodney Dangerfield
- "Fortunately my parents were intelligent, enlightened people. They accepted me for what I was: a punishment from God." - David Steinberg
- "If I ever had twins, I'd use one for parts." - Steven Wright
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